[Edited from original post] We’ve had many people searching for support about what to do with the challenge of a spouse with a pornography addiction. Anyone with input?
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[Edited from original post] We’ve had many people searching for support about what to do with the challenge of a spouse with a pornography addiction. Anyone with input?
Join the conversation and post a comment.
Get rid of the computer. Personally I would tell him if this continued then I would divorce him. I would follow through.
I had the same question for years. Unfortunately I do not have the answer for you, just a warning. Divorce is awful!!! I lived with my husbands pornography addiction for years. I wasn’t sure what to do. Some people said leave, some said stay. I talked to 3 different bishops over the years. Again, some said leave, some said stay.
I remember a Relief Society lesson that talked about a woman who had stayed with her husband through the problems for 25 years. A comment from a ward member was “She was either really brave or really stupid”. I wanted to scream out “which one was she? I NEED TO KNOW!!”. Of course I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to advertise my husbands problems to the world. Was I being brave or stupid? I still don’t know.
Eventually my husband left me for a MUCH younger woman. I thought I was miserable while we were married, but I had no clue what being a single mom was all about. If I could go back in time I would tell myself to quit worrying about it and enjoy any good times I still had. Being a single mom is far worse than being the wife of a pornography addict.
Of course there was more to my story, and there is more to yours. No one’s situation is the same, no one but your Father in Heaven can really tell you what you should do, and for some reason if he was answering me I couldn’t hear him.
Just be careful about taking advice, my heart goes out to you, and I hope things work out better for you than they have for me.
I am a moderator of a Wives of Porn Addicts group online. In dealing with a spouse who has a porn addiction(s), may I just offer this? There are a lot of people with very definite opinions. Some who have had experience and some who has not. In taking ANY advice, pray about it. Study it out. Of course, if it is not a safe environment, by all means, do what you need to do to get yourself out.
Ahh… there is so much to go into. I don’t know if this is okay to do – but if you want to email me, do.
["Belle" shares her journey as a woman married to a porn addict, working through the 12 steps of the addiction recovery program for the second time]
http://myrefinersfire.blogspot.com/
This is what I am currently dealing with right now. My husband has been addicted to pornography for many years, I have only known about it for 2, and I’m already at my wit’s end. I used to be fun, bubbly, full of life. Finding out about this has destroyed my self-worth/self-esteem. I’ve gained 40 lbs. I no longer have any desire to see friends. My husband tells me i’m fat all the time, and that his addiction got worse because of me. I feel the same as the previous woman……am I brave or stupid????
I also have received conflicting advice. My bishop now treats me like nothing’s happened and everything’s fine……probably because of the HUGE show my husbandputson to everyone that he’s the PERFECT husband.
Evenwhen my husband is kind, and tries to show me he loves me I shut down and won’t accept it, like as a protection.
Last night I contemplated what it would be like to leave…..I would have to start all over, with no income as a single mother, no friends or family near by, my in-laws would disown me because they blame all of this ON ME ironically, and I’m sure my husband would find a much younger, more beautiful replacement within a couple of months, and that threw me over the edge thinking about that. I was bawling and my husband was just lying there next to me and within a couple of minutes he was snoring…..I feel so isolated and stuck. Then there’s a side of me that loves the man I thought I knew….that if just this one thing changed he would be perfect for me. I have my mother-in-law telling me that you should only divorce in abuse-situations, but she obviously doesn’t understand the emotional abuse I feel I’ve already undergone. No one understands how they themselves would react if they haven’t been through it. I don’t know what to do! I feel like I’m already dead, just going through the motions.
Anonymous:
I want you to know that I care. I do not have this same problem, but reading your story made my heart ache. I’m actually crying. You do not deserve this.
I know that the 12 step co-dependency courses offered by the LDS church in my area is changing lives and making women feel less alone when a loved one suffers from an addiction.
Thanks for commenting. Please keep reaching out to people in your area and online. Find someone you trust to talk about this with.
You don’t deserve this! You can be happy again!
Love,
Janelle
A good way to stop the flow of pornography is to use a DNS filter like http://opendns.com. The service is free and it allows you to block/filter out pornography and other harmful sites.
If you don’t have the computer savvy to set it up on your own, contact someone in your ward or stake to assist you. Make sure you are the only person with the password. Be creative in the password you use. Use upper-case, lower-case, special characters, and numbers when creating a password. You could even use the 1st character of your favorite scripture: Iwgadttwtlhc1N3~ (I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded 1 Nephi 3). This will make it easy for you to remember your password without having to write it down.
Even if your spouse doesn’t struggle with pornography, block it before it becomes a problem for your spouse or children. The only good internet is a filtered internet!
Thanks Brian I just installed this at home.
I feel for all of you sisters. Pornography is a terrible plague that is sucking the life out of our families and our intimate relationships. For your husband to get rid of this in his life requires a great deal of focused effort and education on both your parts. The 12 step program is the way to go. The church has a generic program called ARP (Addiction Recovery Program) in most areas that is slowly being replaced by a PASG (Pornography Addiction Support Group) in Utah, Idaho and Texas. I would read Don Hilton’s Book “He Restoreth My Soul”.. Find it at http://www.salifeline.com.
I am currently serving as a Bishop, but have spent the better part of my life battling porn addiction, not really understanding the addictive nature of it. I tried thousands of times to quit. It wasn’t until I came clean to my wife and loved ones and starting attending a 12 step program that I was able to stop. Fortunately my wife loves me enough to stick with me. The first couple of weeks and months clean were very difficult. For those who don’t understand the addictive side of this, it’s not just looking at porn. It is almost always coupled with compulsive masturbation, and the euphoria that comes with sexual climax. Addicting enough when part of a healthy intimate relationship. Signs that your husband may be addicted will include bouts with anger and a life of secrecy. You sisters can support your husband in his effort to quit by showing him unconditional (tough) love. Lay down the law, but do not try to carry the burdon of being his accountability partner. You will end up in a co-dependant situation that will be worse than the addiction….He must work through his “recovery” by himself. Together you will have a marriage to mend, and healthy intimacy to learn. Heavenly Father made us sexual beings so that we could become one with our spouses. Once your husband is comfortably into recovery, and has been able to sustain it for over a year, you will begin to experience the kind of real intimacy that Heavenly Father intended for your marriage.
Sisters, please do not blame yourself for your husbands addiction. It is his and his alone to bear. Give him a reasonable amount of time to begin his recovery, and love him unconditionally. Encourage him to be totally transparent in his dealings with you and others.
Pornography is the drug of the new millenium. There has been much written of late concerning it, and how to recover from it. Also see http://www.porntopurity.com, Jeff and Marsha are not LDS, but have some great tools and podcasts to listen to. Also go to http://www.salifeline.com and listen to Rhyll Croshaw’s strory.
Your husband is not the enemy. Satan is waging a war against our families daily. His sharpest weapon currently is the hypersexual world that he has created for each of. Protect your families while you can. education is the key. feel free to write to me if you have any questions about my journey. I have been clean for nearly 16 months now, and each day is a new day that the Lord has given me to prove my fathfulness.
this is coming from the bishop who allows himself to be alone with other women, yet expects complete fidelity from his wife. does your wife know about the blog you keep?
I found out about my husband’s “addiction” 2 years ago, it makes me sick when he talks about his “temptation” I have so much RAGE and ANGER.
And then I’m depressed and want to kill myself. I don’tthink I can move past this. It’s gotten to the point where when I so much as see a pretty woman on tv I get very upset. This problem is EVERYWHERE!
I used to have a happy, loving marriage. I almost wish I could go back to not knowing about it. I miss blindly trusting my husband with anything and everything. I married him because I thought he WASN’T another scumbag.
He lives two separate lives……his public one: entrepreneur, active church member, “perfect husband”, and his private one…..a man so utterly addicted to pornography…………..and he chooses pornography everytime!
I have no self-worth any more. How can a man of God do this to women? It really makes me doubt what I used to believe about the value of a righteous woman. I feel worthless.
I have the “picture-perfect” mormon husband, believe me you would NEVER expect himto be addictedto porn….so nowthat he betrayed my trust, how can I trust ANY man inthe church….bishops, stake presidents, apostles??? It makes me sick, it feels like a big scam.
My testimony is dwindling. I’m running on fumes. The sad thing is I stay in the marriage because I have nowhere to go. I don’t want to start all over and be a single poor mom. I don’t want to be a lone…..even though my husband’s a jerk, there’s no way in heck I would trust ANY MAN ever again, especially the seemingly “perfect” ones…so what now??!
Stephanie,
Oh, how we wish there was a way we could reach through the computer and wrap our arms around you and let you cry on our collective shoulders. We know there is no way a simple comment will really be able to do anything, but we wanted to let you know that we have stories and resources on this topic that we are going to share here (beginning today, Sunday) with the hope to reach out and provide some support to women going through this heartrending trial. We know you aren’t alone. We are getting searches from many women who are struggling with this. There is more dialogue happening on this topic. There are more resources than ever to help you and women in your shoes to find hope and healing, to reclaim their self-worth, to find clarity about what to do, and to not feel so alone.
Please know that you have people here who care and who are praying for you. We are also actively doing what we can here to rally our resources and those of others to help. We’ve been thinking about and studying this topic for some time, trying to gather resources and information to help those walking this thorny path. A member of our team has professionally helped women and will be sharing some thoughts. We’ve reached out to other professionals as well, and also to women who have been through this.
Again, in the coming days we’ll be sharing more here at our site, but following are a few links that we hope might be helpful as a start. We hope if you read and listen to these things and peruse these sites for more information and insight, you will be able to see that what you are feeling is normal, and that there are concrete steps you can take to help you not feel like life is completely out of control. You can consider advice given by professionals about what women who have been thrown into this heartrending situation can do. And you can hear the stories of women who have walked or are walking this path (and see how women have come to find answers for what they should do in their particular situations).
Also, if you haven’t yet done this, we hope you will find a local support group and a qualified therapist (link for questions to ask in searching for a therapist is included below) where you can talk real-time with women as well who know this journey all too well and who can offer support and help. A common thread in these resources and stories recommends both for the process of healing for a spouse. You don’t have to walk this path alone and there are resources out there to make sure that you don’t have to.
Again, please know we care. And God cares. Let Him help you. “What now?” you ask. Find the help and support you need to begin your personal journey of healing. Regardless of what your husband does or does not do as you move forward, you can rediscover your worth, your connection with God, and your confidence in the future. It will take time (be patient with yourself and the process), but line upon line, you can do this.
S.A. Lifeline: How Pornography Affects Women and What They Can Do
Trauma For Partners of Sexual Addicts (This is a real trauma you are experiencing, and your emotions are so understandable — and very common!)
Combating Pornography: In Their Own Words: – Hear varied experiences of women (spouses and girlfriends, some who chose to stay, others who felt impressed to leave) as they talk about their feelings and experiences with a husband / boyfriend with a pornography addiction
Out in the Light: Ask the Experts – Answers to commonly asked questions that wives of sex/porn addicts have.
Out in the Light: Out in the Light: Impact of Pornography: Hope — The woman in this video experienced so much of what you are feeling (the anger, shock, pain, desire for it to go away — it’s all so normal) — and she also shows how there is hope. (Even if your husband doesn’t do what this man does, there is hope for YOU and your healing process.)
BYU Women’s Services: Advice for spouses/loved ones of pornography addicts
S.A. Lifeline: Questions to ask when looking for a qualified therapist (not all therapists are trained and/or able to deal with this)
Combating Pornograpy: Healing Concepts for Women Impacted by Pornography (Jill Manning is an expert on this topic. She validates how completely *devastating* pornography is for spouses and also shares counsel about what wives of porn addicts can do. She’s got a lot of good material out there, including on some of the sites listed above.)
Stephanie,
First of all I want to say I am so sorry! I have walked a similar path, married to a man for 14 years who got addicted to porn as a teenager. The effect it had on our marriage and family was devastating.
But Stephanie regardless of what your husband tells you or anyone else this is not your fault in any way. The way you are feeling is completely normal and I promise you so many women whose husbands are addicted are thin and beautiful and it doesn’t make any difference. Porn causes a chemical reaction in the brain that is even more addicting than heroin or cocaine.
You can get through this, especially if you rely on Heavenly Father.
I did and so can you. I’ve been re-remarried for over 11 years to a wonderful man I trust and have found greater happiness that I never thought was possible.
There is hope, there is help, and there is healing!
Go to my website, for more of my story and other resources at http://dionygeorge.com, and you can email me from there.
Keep your chin up–you are a choice daughter of God!
Sister,
I am so very sorry you’re going through this. Please understand that you are going through the grieving process. You’re grieving the loss of what you thought was a happy marriage. You’re grieving the loss of the trust and faith that you had in your husband. You’re grieving the loss of your own self-worth and esteem. The anger you feel, the sense of betrayal – it is all part of the grieving process. Unfortunately, it’s just the beginning. Seeing how apparent the images, the standards of the world out there just compounds those feelings. The frustrations.
I believe one of the hardest lessons one learns from discovering her partner’s addictions is understanding that his addictions is just that. HIS addictions. They absolutely have NOTHING to do with you, how you perform in the bedroom, how you look, or anything to do with you. You may scoff at this but it’s true. Even now, it still is a struggle for me at times to not fall into the self-destructive way of thinking, “If only I hadn’t gained that weight, or if I had just (insert color) hair or should have been more willing to do (insert action).” That is of satan. He wants you to feel low about yourself. He wants you to feel like it’s not worth living.
But guess what? HE, our living Savior does NOT want that! He knows that you are a beautiful, WORTHY woman who deserves rich blessings.
I urge you to pray for guidance. Pray for your husband. Pray for comfort and peace. I also urge you to seek out counseling – regardless of whether your husband is willing to be involved or not. Seek a qualified professional who specializes in sexual addictions. He/she will be best able to help you understand the dynamics of your relationship, help you rediscover the power you have within you to reclaim your self-worth. Help you understand how one’s addictions is NOT your fault.
It’s difficult to find people who are willing to talk through this and unfortunately, you’ll find that there are some people out there who think that you should just go along with it.. which we know is NOT right. Or they judge you and your husband. I speak from experience, and I just find that so sad. So choose your confidences guided by prayer.
I hate how this is now so pervasive in society and how nobody seems immune from it. I am praying for you and all other sisters who are having to deal with this. It is an ugly thing, porn addictions.
Thank you for all of your concern and prayers. It’s very easy to get caught up in the loneliness of it all.
Diony: You’re remarried to someone else? That’s great to hear that you have found happiness, was it hard to trust another man? Is that the only answer, I feel the only women that come out and say that they have found happiness again are the ones who get divorced or separated. So do I keep my covenants and stay in a lonely miserable marriage or move on and feel like I could have done more?
That’s the other thing that frustrates me. Everyone tells you it’s not your fault, but then their advice is go to counseling, you might be co-dependent, pray more, etc etc which just leaves me wondering if i was more kind, more pretty, a better mom, better ___ fill in the blank than it wouldn’tbe a problem, but I know that is NOT true! That’s why I just feel helpless, I have exhausted all my efforts and in the end it’s HIS problem and only HE can change it. My question is how long do I wait? How long do I suffer for something that has nothing to do with me but is tearing me apart?
and then if I do nothing, that’s just enabling him and saying it’s ok!
I’m so sick of living this lie with him and pretending everything’s going to be ok.
Our local 12-step support group(a women’s only support group for those supporting spouses in 12 step) meets on the same day and time that the pornography 12 step program works…..which he NEVER goes to.
He keeps saying he needs to go but never does. I’m dying to go to the support group, but if I go then that means he doesn’t have the opportunity to go to his IF HE ACTUALLY WANTED TO…..ugh!
lately he’s been saying he wants to be “hypnotized” he’s crazy!
If anyone is going through this as well I would love to have someone to email occasionally
Stephanie,
I’m smacking myself on the forehead! If my comments about praying, etc., led you to think that you didn’t do enough, THAT IS NOT IT! The praying is for you to gain strength in who YOU are. To recognize and accept that you are already more than enough for him and it is HE that has to decide if he wants that. You’re exhausted and need some buoying up. Let Heavenly Father take your burdens… and believe me, I know it’s easier said than done. As for how long you have to wait, only YOU can decide that with the help of our Father. Think about it, Heavenly Father did not put us on this earth to be miserable. No! You’re at a critical point where you just have to figure out what’s what. You’re right, if nothing changes, it’s as though you’re enabling… but you’re suffering. And how is that healthy for you and your family? It’s not. Choose your boundaries, when he crosses them, there has to be serious consequences. He needs to be told plainly that you are not willing to live like this, and he needs to make a decision as to what to do next. Be prepared though for whatever the outcome may be.
By the way, I chose to stay with my husband because he is making a conscious effort to work things out. But, nothing is permanent and that decision may change in the future but for now? I’m with him.
If you want to contact me, feel free to do so. arastrebbyl(at)gmail(dot)com
Rhyll Croshaw shares the following about what what helps her find God’s peace and strength at times when she’s feeling weighed down by worry and fear.
Surrender is one of the principles that I have found to be most helpful in my recovery efforts. Some may confuse surrender with giving up. It is not that at all. Surrender for me is that I give over. Over to my Heavenly Father who loves me and wants me to be happy. I know that He has all power.
I have a three step process for anything that is causing me to obsess or trying to control that is not mine.
The process is:
On my knees
On the phone
In the box
First I go to my knees and express my powerlessness over the thing that is bothering me and give it to God.
Next I call my sponsor (someone who is working her own recovery and 12-steps) and tell her the thing that I am surrendering
Last I write on a piece of paper the name of the person or the experience that I am giving over and put it in my “surrender box”.
This process works if I do all three things consistently when I start to fear or want to control someone or there is nothing that I can do change a situation.
For me, this is part of the pathway to peace and personal happiness.
CHECK OUT X3WATCH.COM!! My husband struggled with pornography for a while and it almost destroyed our marriage and my own well being. He did not stop until he finally realized that I would leave if he didn’t. Now he installs this free software on all our computers as well as his android phone. If he visits any “questionable” websites it will send me an email. I also now pay the cable bill and have a code that only I know for any chanels that show adult content – even showtime. If your husband REALLY wants to make your marraige work and stop this destructive behavior he WILL be OK with staying accountable! I can say, however, even with all the improvements, there are still DEEP wounds that affect the way I feel about him. I’m finally trusting him again, but it’s taking a lot of time. It’s hard for me to find him attractive now. I was disgusted for so long that it’s hard to see him in a “romantic” light. I’m praying that this will heal in time as well.
As for how long to wait…until you feel like you can’t wait any longer. Give him to God and let God deal with his heart. No one can tell you how long to wait. I just know when I was ready to go, my husband knew, and that’s when he changed. Divorce probably is horrible, but sometimes a seperation is necessary. Not saying that you don’t love him, but that you can’t accept this behavior and you’ll be waiting on him when he’s ready to change.
Kristen,
This is kind of where I’m at. I in my heart feel that I can bear no more! But I love him so much. I like what you said about a separation and that I would be waiting for him. That is a good solution if I ever do decide it’s the end of my rope because it shows him I love him and want to wait for him to fix this, and it also shows him that I’m not going to keep accepting this behavior……many times I feel like I’m enabling him by NOT leaving….I mean if this is REALLY an addiction, then he needs to feel the consequences for his behavior if anythings going to change right?
Sounds like a good plan, I just worry about his stability if I were to leave. He would probably go on a huge porn binge….and I can’t live with even that, isn’t that sad? I wouldn’t be with him but it would KILL me to know about a pron binge….and not even for his sake, for mine….that seems selfish of me.
When I think of reasons not to leave they’re not good reasons at all, like: what would people think about me?
How would I support our kids by myself? Would my self-essteem be even lower? How would I start over?
I also wanted to let you know that I know EXACTLY how you feel about having deep wounds and not being able to heal from that. My husband has definitely become less and less attractive to me as well. Whenever he tries to be loving, affectionate, a part of me just shuts him out automatically before I even have time to think about it. I feel even if he did ever stop, which he never will, I would not be able to be a whole person again. I feel like he ripped my very soul out of my body.
Also my husband’s work computer has Covenant Eyes accountability program on it, with no filter. We can’t have a filter because it messes with the checkstands (we own a grocery store) The accountability program sends me an accountability report that rates websites visited on his computer and shows me if there are any high scores and what they were. That’s the best we can do for now I guess. I later found out that after that was installed on the computer he began viewing porn on our computer that hosts our security camera system…..I didn’t even know it had internet capabilities! The original way I found out about the porn issue was catching him looking at it on his cell phone……We no longer have tv. We have got new phones and have shut off internet capability. I for one enjoy technology, and will NEVER be able to use it again! I can’t even turn on the tv for fear there will be a commercial selling deodorant,beer,tv trailers because it has half-naked women all over it. That is the most frustrating thing…..I CAN’T ESCAPE IT! It is EVERYWHERE! I’m deeply wounded and will never be the same again. I don’t know what the answers are honestly, I wish there was a way to magically forget everything….then I could be the wife he needs me to be to recover
I feel for all of you ladies. My heart goes out to you as I know your pain and struggle. I too am struggling with my husbands addictions, one of which is pornography. He has had drug and porn issues for a long, long time. I didn’t know the extent of drugs and I never knew about the porn until about two years ago. He had all these problems before I met him and I know in my heart that I have not caused his addiction, and I have not fuelled it, although many times he has blamed me for his behaviour. I have finally found answers to why I feel so empty and why I feel the life, happiness and self confidence has been sucked out of me from reading the posts and links here.Thank you for your sharing !! I have been searching for answers for quite some time, and ways to cope with his behaviour. I have made the decision to stay and work through what I can and I am relying heavily on the Lord for guidance and help. It would be so nice if I could just ask the Lord to fix things one way or the other for me and leave me out of the decision making process !!! For myself I feel very deeply that I must be true to my marriage covenants and stay. One day he may choose to leave and if he does I will stand guiltless. But thats just what has been impressed on me at this time. As he has agreed to go through the 12 step recovery program I cling to hope although the realist in me acknowledges our challenges are enormous and the outcome unknown and unsure. We have acknowledged his addiction to drugs as openly as one can without proper counselling, but not the addiction to porn, although we both acknowledge it is a real problem and a stumbling block. I do not think he has any idea of the ramifications of porn within our relationship, or indeed how they affect him, from this horrible behaviour. The dilema I face at present, and I ask for your help, is HOW to tell my spouse exactly how his addiction to porn has caused me to feel (worthless, hurt, angry, guilty, rejected, fearful of his responses and reactions) ….. and how it has directly impacted on my ability to function in the relationship (I withdraw and cut my feelings off so I dont get hurt, I have noticed that although I love him unconditionally I am not attracted to him when I am like this, which in turn causes him to feel rejected, so he withdraws and blames me for the lack of intimacy and then uses that to justify his behaviour) …… in such a manner that it will enable him to see how much and how deeply I have been affected, how damaging it is and has been to him, and then help to rebuild our relationship and not cause him to feel that although the problem is HIS that I am just using that to blame him for everything and just make it worse. I realise that we own our individual feelings, he has not tried to make me feel as I do, anymore than I have tried to reject him, but I have been hurt and wounded deeply, almost beyond bearing at times. So how can I tell him in a manner which the Saviour would and help him to own his feelings and take responsibility for his actions ?
Stephanie and strugglingwithin,
We wanted to be sure you know that your comments are received and are being read. But we also want to be sure you can get the help and support you need and I worry that it will be hard to get here as we have other content that pushes this thread further into the archives. Please continue to feel free to comment, but I just wanted to share a few resources that I hope might be helpful, too.
I’d like to encourage you both to consider signing up for the support group that Sara, one of the contributors in our recent series, moderates. She says it is a place where women can get support and can sort through the struggles and ask questions from other women who have walked this difficult path. You can find that private support group here.
We’d also encourage you to consider finding a 12-step support group where you live. That’s been a consistent thing that our contributors found was very helpful in facing their spouse’s pornography addiction. You might also find a guidebook for loved ones of addicts helpful. You can find one here, or another version here (username is “family” and password is “support”).
My heart goes out to you with what you are dealing with. I pray you can find the peace you seek and the guidance you need to know how to face this challenge and find healing.
Again, please know your comments are welcome here anytime; I just wanted to invite you to avail yourself of other places you can go, too, as you sort through all of this.
~Michelle
MW Editor